Pouring out my heart here...

This is going to be a long one....

A few weeks back I was feeling very apprehensive about sending my sweet E girl off to school. I couldn't put my finger on it as to why, but I knew I was feeling.....well scared.

E has such a strong personality. She has always been so independent and I knew that when school came it would be "Bye Mom see ya!" Which is good for her, but hard for me.

I guess I came to the realization that she has been mine to raise, and be with, and love on, any time I wanted, all day every day for the last five years. Now I am all of a sudden expected to send her off all day into the hands of "the world" and be fine with it?

Well, I was not fine with it, in fact I was taking it harder than I thought.

You know long ago back when you were starting a new year of school? And as the school year came closer each week, you'd think about it and you'd get those butterflies in your stomach? Well this is what it was like for me, but the butterflies in my stomach felt more like.....cannon balls!

You know when you'd see your "crush" at school and your heart would skip a beat, but it felt good? Well I felt like this every time I thought of sending her off to school, except for the "it feeling good part" and except it was more like my heart would skip several beats as it made it's way to the pit of my stomach.

I hid my feelings. Joking with people, even my hubby how I was nervous about sending her off to school, but inside I was saying, "I'm scared, I don't want to do it." I tried to talk myself out of it. I tried just not thinking about it and that only worked for so long.

Here I go, crying as these thoughts come to me again....I'm such a cry baby!

I had a day where I just couldn't stop thinking about how I did not want to send my baby girl off to school and these thoughts would not stop coming.

I emailed a friend for comfort and advice. She said just this....(this is in my own words and what I got out of her long comforting email)

For every bad/negative thought you have you need to counter act that with a positive/good thought, write them down so you can see them.

You need to change the way you look at this, from it being a bad thing, to it being a good thing.

So if you think something like "There is so much bad in the world that she can learn, I don't want her to be exposed to these things so young."

You might say something positive like this, to counter act your negative thought....
"I have taught her right from wrong, I have done my best to prepare her. Kids need to see the bad so they can recognize the good and WANT the good. She was sent down to earth at this time for a reason, she is strong and will be a good example."

I took my friends advice. It works, thinking positive actually makes you feel better.

The thing is, I know that! I am usually "the glass is half full" kind of person. But for some reason anxiety took over me and I could not think positive unless I made a conscious effort.

I changed my attitude inside and out and it worked. I felt less anxious. I felt happy.

A week before school started and after I changed my attitude after taking my friends advice,I found a blog. I find new blogs daily.

This one changed me, changed the way I look at my life with my family.

Let me explain......

This Mother lost her two year old daughter to a choking accident. She held her in her arms as they took her off life support and took her away to use her organs to save others lives. I read this and it broke my heart. I ached inside so much for this mother that was grieving for the loss of her baby. It was just an accident, no one was at fault. This Mother has such amazing perspective on life, her strength amazes me at times. I read her whole blog. I cried, lots, and I admired her. She is so honest on her blog when she is down she says it like it is but she never seems to not see the silver lining of each sad feeling. She always finds a way to sound positive, even when she is so depressed, that, to me is amazing!

I CANNOT imagine how she must feel to have lost such a sweet child. I DO NOT ever want to know that pain! As I read her blog I wanted to erase that pain for her because the thought of that kind of pain hurt me, I cannot image how hard it must be to live daily with it.

Some times we as mothers get distracted with our daily routines, we go through the motions, so to speak, and forget to take in every moment we have with our dear sweet children. We forget how fragile life really is, and that in an instant it can be taken away from any one of us.


I know God has a plan for all of us, but when it takes such a drastic turn and flips our worlds upside down, will we have regrets? Will we have perspective? Can our faith shine through the hard times?

The thing is, I grew up with faith in a God. A God who is merciful and loving and I grew up knowing that there is life after this one and there is joy to be found in this life. Amongst all the evil and trials we experience in this life there is and can be joy.

But to hear this Mother's pain and grief who believes the same things as I do, was an eye opener to me.
If this happened to me, would I have the same faith as this woman? I kept asking myself questions like this.

"DO NOT take each day with your children for granted!" that is what I heard from this Mother's blog. Though she did not say that, that is how her blog spoke to me.

So my kids drive me nuts some days, but at least they are here with me and at least I have them to hold at night to love and to learn from. At least they CAN drive me nuts. (if that makes sense)

With the hard things I have to endure as I struggle with and try to be a good Mom, with all the frustration that I have with my children at times, it can be hard to remember that I get all the good too!

I get the- I love you Mommy 's every night.
I get to have the-comfort you's when they are sad or hurt
I get the-hysterical laughing moments where you forget what made you and your kids start laughing in the first place.

With all the bad comes the good. Isn't that what this life is about?
I know this, and I've known it for a long while.

But I forgot to remember daily to enjoy it. To DAILY enjoy the good and endure the bad. That is our test in this life.

I am now daily enjoying the good in my children, my husband all my family. Life is fragile and I don't want to have regrets and if one of my loved ones was taken from me quickly and unexpectedly I want to be able to say "I enjoyed every moment I had with them, I have no regrets."

What does all this have to do with my E girl going to school? Every thing.

I have just an hour or so in the mornings with her and and just a few in the evenings with her until the weekend. I want to always remember to enjoy every moment. To take it all in and love her fully! So that she knows while she's away at school that I LOVE HER! That I can't wait to see her when she get's home!

I have perspective and a positive attitude, because of these two people. One, a friend and the other, a Mother I have never met but admire.

I usually have these two things...Positive attitude and good perspective but lost them temporarily while going through life's motions and when I was selfishly moping about my sad days to come.

Now I will remember to have these two things always, daily as they make my days easy and full of joy!



Read this talk from a Prophet/Apostle in our day about adversity.
Called "Adversity" By Pres. Henry B. Eyring

Some of my favortie quotes from this talk.....

"The very opportunity for us to face adversity and affliction is part of Their [Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ's] infinite love."

and

"Even when you feel the truth of that capacity and kindness of the Lord to deliver you in your trials, it may still test your courage and strenth to endure."

Remember?
"....thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment."