I want a re-do

On days like today I wish I had that re-do or do-over button.

I wish I could rewind to the start of my day, just as I am crawling out of bed (having the knowledge I have of how the day could go) and then do it over but right. We don't have the luxury of that though, darn.

We all have days like today, right? Days where you feel like you are not a good Mother/Person, like you can't do anything right, like you just want to give up and just curl up in bed and let the day pass by doing nothing to change it and hope the next day is better? We all have days like this, right? Please tell me you do too.

Granted, I don't give up. But I just feel like maybe it might work to just throw in the towel ya know? Then my logical self kicks in and says "Yeah that would NOT work and it's not worth it. Get that silly thought out of your head get up and do something to change it and make it right."

This is usually when I hit my knees to the floor (hard) and don't get up until I feel peaceful and calm that I can (with help) change my attitude and change the day for the better. And that is just what I did today.

I woke up grumpy and so did my daughter. We did NOT mix well this morning. My fridge was weird last night and didn't really work so all the food was warm in it including the milk, so it was a "No Thank you" on cereal this morning and I had no other quick breakfast foods in the house. That was a bad combination, no food for two grumpy girls (E and Me). I snapped at her more times then I want to admit this morning and then sent her off to school feeling like I didn't love her. I feel terrible about it!

Her bus comes early enough that when it gets to school the bus driver has them wait on the bus for quite a while before they are let off to go into the classrooms. Her bus driver noticed she had been crying since shortly after getting on the bus so she had her come up to talk to her, to make sure nothing happened on the bus that she needed to know about. She could not get much out of her until she said to E "Do you want to call your Mommy and talk to her? Will that make you feel better? Will you tell her why you are crying?" Then E broke down sobbing said yes and told her bus driver that her mommy was mad at her this morning and that is why she was crying. She told her she wanted to call her mom to make sure she wasn't still mad at her.

When the bus driver told me this I cried. I felt awful, to say the least! I felt like "What kind of Mom am I?! I sent her on the bus feeling like I was still mad at her and that I didn't love her?"

I cried on the phone with her as I told her I was sorry for snapping so much at her. I told her I would never send her to school again feeling like this and that it wasn't fair to her the way I acted towards her. I told her I loved her so much and no matter what she does or doesn't do I will always love her. By this point we are both sobbing. So I ask her (to calm her down a bit) if me coming to lunch with her will help her have a better day and she said yes.

So that is what I will do. I know it won't "make up" for my wrong doing but I hope it will let her know that even though I was mad/frustrated this morning because of her attitude and her unwillingness to listen and obey me, that I still love her and I hope that she can forgive me for taking out my stress on her this morning.

I'm not proud of myself when I do silly stupid things like this. I beat myself up over it for too long after. The hardest part about days or situations like this, is that she will forgive me in an instant but I can't forgive myself for a while after.

I am stressed for who knows why? But it's no excuse for taking it out on my daughter by snapping at her a million times before school. I feel like everyday is a day to do better, to be a better person so when I have days like today where I do the opposite of that, I feel discouraged. I feel like it's hard to pick myself up and change my attitude and get back on the right track.

BUT I must do it. I must get up and start over and remember that I'm not perfect but I can always try to change and be better.

I sure I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Thanks for letting me vent :)