Recording my thoughts

This is going to be a lot of rambling thoughts put out there. I know many people don't think like me, but I feel the need to record these thoughts as they come. So, feel free to skip this post, it's not for you anyway it's for me and for record keeping.

The number one advice given to new Moms or received by new Moms I think has to be "Enjoy each phase your child goes through. Take in every moment because they grow up so fast and you cannot have those moments back." I hear that all the time and I give that advice all the time. It's true, children grow up fast, especially in that first year of life.

Remember this post about me hating being pregnant and feeling guilty about not enjoying it? Well I remember it clearly. I was thinking about that the other day and thinking "do I regret feeling that way? Would I go back and change it?" Well, it's hard to say because at the time I could not help but feel those feelings. I didn't want them there, I wished I didn't feel those things at all, but they were there taking over me. Eventually I came around towards the end of the pregnancy and was excited to meet my baby girl, but it took months for me to get to that point.

So what is the correlation between that post and enjoying each phase of your child? Thinking back now on the beginnings of my pregnancy with Lou lou, I don't really care that I can't remember much but hating it. I don't care that I couldn't feel a connection with that tiny being inside me at the time. I could care less that I was avoiding feeling connected for fear of losing her, I don't care about all that now because she's here NOW in my life right NOW and that is all that matters. I can't change the past but I can move forward. I want to move forward with this by enjoying her. Each little phase she goes through, each little change in her little life, take it all in and enjoy it. That, I can do. That, I must do.

As she grows and changes so fast I think back to my other two children and feel slightly guilty that my time with them in the beginnings of their lives were so different from how it has been with Ladybug. I know I can't change it now, but I if I could go back to my old self now, as my new self and give myself advice, I would definitely tell myself "you will regret it later not taking in each moment with this child. Remember, these moments are just that, moments, and they will be gone before you know it, and you can't have them back so enjoy them, even the rough ones."

With E girl, it was a rough beginning. Not only was I having a rough post partum recovery and fought depression (looking back now, I know I was depressed, then I did not know it), but there was something clearly wrong with my child, she hated to eat and my not so understanding Pediatrician didn't believe me. My Mom didn't believe me. (not because she didn't love me or want to, it was just a weird situation that no mother would think was possible) Because of those two things I suffered through during E's first two-four months of life I didn't take time like I should have to really enjoy her. I loved her no doubt about that. I have a million and two pictures of her to prove that I loved that baby, but I had so much worry and stress that it was hard to really truly enjoy each little change. I feel guilty about that some days.

With J boy. Well as many of you know he was premature and in the hospital for the first two weeks of his life. Recovery was better for me and I loved him, no doubt. But after two Months he was hospitalized for RSV and then again a month later for a serious case of the flu. So I became the paranoid protective Mother I never thought I'd be. Because he was so sick so young I had to be that way, but I think it prevented me from really enjoying him in every way. I have a friend who went through SO much more with her son in his first two years of life and I have read her feelings on how she had a hard time enjoying that child because of her fear for him and his health. I can only somewhat relate in my own small way. Although J boy was sick often I look back and think I really should have enjoyed each new phase of his little life a little more in the beginning.

So like I said I am really trying hard with Lou Lou to dto that, enjoy every last minute with her and it may be slightly easier because she has been my ANGEL baby. But even if she goes through a rough patch here or there I find myself telling myself that I love this phase too because I'll regret not cherishing every-single-moment with her. MAN, has that made a difference in my relationship with her. I loved all my kids in the beginnings of their new lives but I had a rough time feeling SO connected to them right away, but with this little lady I have had no problem and it's because of that extra constant effort on my part.

Why couldn't I be this way with the other two? Why couldn't I get past the hard times and just try and see the silver lining in every situation? I'm not 100% sure. Maybe because I am older and wiser with this little lady. Maybe because I had to have two kids before I learned it's not fun to just go through the motions at the beginning but that it can be more exciting when you live in the moments and cherish them. Maybe it's because she has been a good baby, with good health and no real problems. Maybe it's a combination of the three, but either way I am grateful that my efforts of enjoying each moment are paying off and I feel the joy of her in not only my life but in our whole little family's lives. What a blessing she truly has been to our family.