I am now convinced, I have a phobia.

So I'm pretty sure I am slightly Arachnophobic, I don't think that is even a word. I have a mild case of Arachnophobia or I have a small phobia of spiders, I guess that's how you'd put it, one of those ways.

For the longest time I denied this fact. I didn't like spiders, that I knew, but that was it or so I told myself. I wasn't completely fearful of them?! I could kill small spiders and I still can. I don't feel like I am going to pass out if I see a spider (most of the time, unless it is huge and creeping towards me, or in my bedroom or shower or pretty much anywhere in my house). If I see a spider outdoors I am okay with it and don't feel the need to kill it (unless it is near the a door way to my house or looks threatening), to me all those things seemed justifiable and normal when it came to "not liking spiders".

But now I am convinced otherwise......Now I think I must admit, I have a phobia of spiders.

Here is how I know my Arachnophobia is real, even though it is small, it is real......

I can't kill spiders that are bigger than the size of a pin head. In fact I get that "scared" or "fearful" feeling in me that holds me back, that is, if it is a large spider. So, I I make my 4 year old son kill them for me :)

I think spiders that are in my house are out to get me, especially in my sleep or in the shower. (remember this story)

I do scream (well it's more like a yelp) and jump if I encounter a large spider unexpectedly.

Even though I know spiders play an important role in this world I still wish they didn't exist.

I have bad dreams that include spiders in them, that's not the worst part of it, most of these dreams are more like day-dreams.

It sounds weird I know, to have day-dreams or more like day nightmares about spiders but I do.

For example:

If I'm standing at the counter or at my sink in my bathroom and I feel something ever so slight on my leg or foot or toes I immediately move my feet check for spiders, but the problem is that I can't stand there any longer with out thinking or imagining there is a spider up under my sink/cupboard area and then I imagine it coming down on my feet. So then you have me standing at the sink doing dishes/cleaning with my feet about two feet away from the "under the sink " part and/or constantly checking to see if there is a spider coming down on my feet.

It's ridiculous, I know.

Here is what happened to me yesterday in the shower, at this point as I got out of my shower and calmed down a bit, it was then clear to me that I have a problem. I am in denial of my small phobia of spiders but I am being convinced there is something there to this phobia. Here is what happened.....

I start the shower and see a tiny, tiny spider crawling in my tub.

"no big deal." I think to myself "I just have to turn on the water and wash it down the drain, easy shmeasy."

I do just that, turn the water on flush it down the drain all the while I'm telling myself, "that was it, there was only one tiny spider don't freak out."

I get in the shower and I can't stop thinking about that tiny spider. You see, since there was a tiny spider it must be a baby one and if it was a baby one there has to be a mother one (who is most likely a very large spider, so my mind tells me anyway). At this point my mind begins to go crazy because for some reason I think if there is a baby spider the Mommy spider is close by watching it and now the mean vicious Momma spider knows I killed her baby spider and is out for revenge.

The thing is, when I stop and think about it, later and when I'm not in crazy spider mode, I know that all tiny spiders are not baby ones and if it was a baby spider the Momma spider has like a million babies and I'm pretty sure that after the Momma spider makes her egg sack she dies and doesn't stick around and hover over her millions of tiny baby spiders (I learned that from Chollotte's Web :) but yet the logic of it all doesn't set in, and I get into that crazy-can't-think logically-spider-scaring-the-pee-out-of-me mode, and then it's hopeless.

So there I stand in the shower trying to pretend I'm okay when really I'm going crazy. I can feel the Momma spider's crazy eyes watching me as I shower. I just know she's there, hiding where I can't see her planning her attack. I find myself whipping around to make sure she isn't attacking from behind. I try hard not to close my eyes and if I do it's not for very long (which always ends with me getting soap in my eyes) because I know she's watching me and I know she knows the best time to strike would be when I couldn't see it coming. Now being blinded with soap in my eyes and my obvious fear increasing I probably look like a crazy woman, because at this point, lets face it, I am.

I then try and self talk myself out of thinking the way that I am thinking, ya know ....."You're fine, no spiders here. It's all in your head, it's your imagination, even if there was one it's not going to attack you and even if it did you're not going to die."

It doesn't work but it distracts me long enough to finish my shower which is now no longer enjoyable, in fact it is the opposite now, it is miserable for me.

Then as I'm drying off and getting dressed, for some reason I told myself that that is a normal way to react and then I begin to deny my phobia. I stop and think a little more, "you're crazy, why did you make your shower miserable just because you were afraid there might be a spider in the shower?" Key word "afraid"

I then laugh and admit that I do have a phobia, but at this point I am justifying it as a small phobia and I think that is pretty accurate, for now.

Hi I K Harker and I have a phobia of spiders.