...........And some of my personal thoughts I battle with...........
Like I said in the past, this pregnancy has been the weirdest one of mine so far (besides the one that did not produce a baby).
I've had times where I've had roller-coaster-like emotions and then times where I felt totally indifferent about the whole thing. There were times where I forgot it was real and other times where it was so real I cried. There were/are days where I could not wait to meet my new daughter and there were/are times where I felt no connection to her at all.
I know I was probably hormonal with both my other pregnancies but for some reason I feel like this one gets the Golden Globe or what have you for "most mixed emotions in a single pregnancy".
Okay, so here is where this post may get a bit personal maybe even controversial, but I it's how I'm feeling and I can put it on my blog if I want ;) So if you get offended easily then don't go any further.
I know lots of you have asked me to put up those "cliche" pregnancy pictures of myself on here. I'm not big on taking such pictures and posting such pictures and my blog (although I really should for my own sake). Not because I hate the way I look, I don't love the way I look, I'm just okay with the way I look when I'm pregnant, but I definitely don't hate the way I look either. What I do hate is the "Lets compare how I look to the way other Pregnant Mommies look" feeling I get from them or at least from posting such pictures on my blog.
Does that even make sense?
What I mean to say is, I hate that when I see myself pregnant (especially in pictures) I instantly compare myself and feel like others compare me to them as well. And the thing is, I know we all do it. I think it's lame and it needs to stop.I need to stop.
I keep telling myself "Every woman carries their babies differently" and "No one is the same, you can't compare, its not fair"
The thing I hate with this whole "comparing pregnancy" thing is it always seems so negative.
Why can't we be happy for each other and forget the details? Or what I mean to say is, why can't I be happy for me and my pregnancies and the way I carry my precious angels and leave it at that, and forget about what anyone else may think?
The answer: I don't know, why can't I?
I hear it all the time (even from myself, I am totally guilty of this)......"How much weight did you gain?" ( by the way you don't want to know how much I gain) or "Wow you carry so low" or "You carry so high" or "you are so tiny, I can't believe you are even pregnant" etc. You know, all those "lets compare" details.
I don't think this is a bad thing to ask such questions. Really, I don't think it's bad to compare at all, but it's the way it is done that can bother me. It becomes not a good thing when the way we say it to one another is to hurt, either ourselves or the other person. Either the "Tear myself down way because I don't look as cute as you" way (which is what I am guilty of) or it is the "Make yourself feel better way by making some one else feel bad" way.
Either way, this is not healthy.
Maybe it's because of the area I live in. There are tons of young families with lots of young Mommies and there are ALWAYS pregnant women around me. So I guess it's inevitable that I will sit and compare myself and I'm pretty sure others compare themselves to others as well.
I'm not alone in this? Am I?
I'm not trying to offend anyone, really I'm not. What I am trying to do is, I'm trying to fix myself. I need to stop comparing myself because I don't look as "cute" as so-and-so who is also pregnant. I need to stop comparing my size to the girl who is due two days before me....."Man, she is so much smaller than me, what is wrong with me?" That kind of stuff needs to stop! And I'm going to.
I LOVE that I am able to be a mother who can be pregnant, who can get pregnant and carry my own babies. I love that I have the blessing of being a part of Gods creating process. I love being a Mother, and that is all that should matter to me.
So to fix my bad habit of comparing myself to others and tearing myself down because I feel "less cute" or "too fat" or whatever emotion I have for that day, I'm going to do it. I am going to take those "Cliche" pregnancy pictures and show them proudly to all of you, and who cares what you think ;) because it's not for you, it's for me and for my kids to remember me this way :)
((sigh)) wish me luck in my "healing process"!
Pictures on Post above.........
P.S. please don't be offended! This post was not meant for anyone but myself.
9 comments:
If you read my 3 a.m. post the other day, you KNOW you're not alone in this thinking...I may not have conveyed all my thoughts perfectly, but this is so much how I feel!
I feel the same way!
I like to think that ladies compare eachother because it is just natural observations we make, maybe not even to judge, just notice. And when everyone is excited about your pregnancy and happy for you, they like to see pics. I didn't take any pictures of myself while I was pregnant with Calvin, and now really wish I had.
But yes, I feel the same. Even when I don't eat more than usual, I tend to get fat while I'm pregnant, especially in my face, which just looks horrible.
Everyone is so different, but we tend to only see those tiny, little perfect looking pregnant ladies and then compare ourselves to them way too often-hahaha.
I have a hard time portraying my feelings on this, and I don't think I did a good job of it.
what I mean by all of this is that I have to get over thinking that every one else is Judging me (negatively) when they compare themselves to me. I have to get over it because most people are just making innocent observations.
It's a self confidence thing, I lack it.
Like I said, I don't think it's bad to compare, it's just the way that we do it can be negative (mostly towards ourselves) and I know that is my problem.
Okay, I'm done!
now I know I am really not alone. I really enjoy reading your posts and seeing your insight because I think, most of the time, we all have feelings like that and I'm to afraid to publicly announce them....but I probably should, because it might help someone else....just like reading yours really, honestly, helps me! Clinton is always telling me I'm too hard on myself for whatever reason, comparing, getting frustrated at the kids, not keeping a spotless house or taking a 5 minute nap when I actually have 5 minutes of nothing to do....anyway, I feel the same way about pregnancy and was just thinking about it the other day at a friends baby shower where 2/3 of the invites were pregnant! but THANKS for posting all you do because I, for one....never get offended :)...and really enjoy reading them!
I am offended.
I'm offended too. I think you are over-thinking. :) You look great. That's all there is to say. W was sitting behind me when I was looking at your picture post and he goes, "There's E's mom....oh!....there's E's mom's body!!" haha
You are one brave girl and I love this post ;)
hey girlie,
so i totally get what you're saying! we women need to stop being enemies to each other and start being more supportive.
i too am working really hard on not comparing what i look like on the outside with other girls. because i'm NOT those other girls! i just want to be the best me that i can and once i really started to change my frame of mind i realized how messed up i really was!
i feel like it's satan's biggest tool for women...to tear down their self-image and self-esteem. to make them feel inadequate.
you are beautiful....when you're pregnant, or not pregnant. inside and out. you're someone that i love for your sweet, kind personality. i remember the good ol' days at melaleuca, when you & C were dating.
thanks for writing this post! isn't it funny how it seems that so many of us are on the same wavelength at the same time?
Kristin and Adri, I knew it would be you two that got offended! We are not longer friends ;)
Lyns, Thanks, you're sweet. Hey remember when I got married and we went and worked out together and then you made fun of me for getting pregnant like two weeks after I was married? That was fun!
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